Polska, Sucka!

Rocket: Hey, this was false advertising. I didn’t read a single story about cannibal teddy bears massacring anyone.
Skylark: Would a story about flesh-devouring teddy bears change your opinion of this book?
Rocket: No.
Skylark: Then stop talking. The teddy bear art is adorably wicked and that’s all they need.
Rocket: Well, if put it that way…
Skylark: Today we are reviewing the Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre, an anthology edited by Tim Lieder. Is Tim Lieder that guy’s real name? It is rather suspicious and convenient that the name of a person compiling a book of this nature, should have a name that sounds so much like “team leader.”
Rocket: Zebedeuza Skyler you are the last person on earth who should be making making fun of people’s names. In case you haven’t noticed your name is the stupidest one of them all.
Skylark: I am not mocking the gentleman’s name, I am merely making an observation.
Rocket: Being a snarky asshole is not merely making an observation Zebedeuza Skyler Kubrokovich, it just makes you jerk.
Skylark: I wish you wouldn’t call me that. Everyone calls me Skylark.
Rocket: Then, stop being a jerk.
Skylark: Anyway, let’s get back to the subject at hand.
Rocket: Yeah, we got to review the book some time this year. So Skylark, what did you think about the book.
Skylark: Personally, I have very mixed feelings about it. For the most part, Massacre has an entertaining and pleasant pulp fiction flavor to it. I also appreciated, the variety of styles presented within its pages. Yet, its greatest strength, also seems to be a bit of its downfall. I almost wish the work would’ve been more cohesive, if not from a stylistic perspective, at the very least, from an editorial perspective.
Rocket: I think I get what you’re saying here. The editor guy should’ve explained why he picked the stories or had bios for the writers. Maybe, I’m just gossipy by nature, but I like a little more dish, if you know what I mean.
Skylark: Noted. I suppose the most efficient way to review this book in a fair manner would be to examine the stories individually. How does that sound Rocket?
Rocket: I think that sounds groovy.

Formaldehyde
Skylark: From a technical perspective, C.C. Parker’s Formaldehyde should be a decent work of dark humor. While competently written, this tale of zombies and stoners didn’t seem very fresh, nor did it really convince me that I should really care for Carl or Terry.
Rocket: In other words, you were bored.
Skylark: That sums it up quite well.
Rocket: I didn’t think it was THAT bad. But, I have read a lot of stuff about stoners before, and it didn’t seem any more original than other the books I have read.
Skylark: You are absolutely correct in your assessment. Having seen people of that nature be more compelling while watching cartoons on cable television in real life, without zombies, didn’t help my opinion of this short story either.
Rocket: Right. So here’s the verdict: It was okay, but not great.
Skylark: Quite.

Doof, Doof, Doof
Rocket: That story was so sick and wrong!
Skylark: Wasn’t it fabulous?
Rocket: No! They shouldn’t do that to kids’ fairy tales.
Skylark: Come on, you were laughing as hard as I was when you were reading it to me.
Rocket: I know, but it wasn’t laughter as in, “funny – ha ha.” It was more like, “I cannot believe that someone actually wrote this.” I mean, that ain’t right.
Skylark: What I liked best about Paul Haines approach was his absolute deadpan angle. He played this absolutely ludicrous adventure so seriously, and that only served to enhance the hilariousness of the whole situation.
Rocket: The mental images will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Skylark: Same here my dear.
Rocket: Whenever I hear the word “porking” I get flashback and nightmares. I am traumatized.
Skylark: Oh your poor thing. I’m so glad I don’t eat pork.
Rocket: EW! GROSS! YOU RUINED BACON FOR ME! Damn you Jew!
Skylark: *Skylark laughs maniacally.* That’s Kosher-Observing Reform Jew to you Miss Anti-Kosher-Reform-Jew-In-Training.
Rocket: I sometimes can’t believe I’m going to marry you.
Skylark: Me either.

Peppercorn Rent
Skylark: That was a waste of time.
Rocket: I thought it was kind of cute in a screwball British humor sort of way. I think Roberta Rogow did a good job. I had a lot of fun reading it.
Skylark: Fawlty Towers is screwball British humor involving real estate, this was just painful.
Rocket: Oh stop it.
Skylark: I hated it on levels of hellish hatred that would make Mephistopholes twitch with fear. I wanted to gouge my ears out when you were reading it to me.
Rocket: You’re being too harsh, it’s just a fun little story.
Skylark: Rocket, my love, anyone using a sentence like “At this time, this place was an out-of-the-way nondescript bit of English countryside,” not only needs to be shot, but that person also needs to have their creative license revoked. Edward George Bulwer-Lytton would cry with embarassment if he ever wrote dreck of that magnitude. For crying out loud, “nondescript bit of English countryside” the most redundant observation ever made in literary history.
Rocket: Way too harsh…
Skylark: Harsh? Harsh is me having to sit through listening to this utter intellectual wasteland. I mean, I have seen bad pre-1920′s melodramas with less cliches than this. The scenario, the over-specialization of the term “peppercorn rent”…
Rocket: I actually learned a little bit about British culture in that section.
Skylark: No you didn’t! “Peppercorn rent” merely is a synonym for “cheap rent” with wildly varied terms and conditions that ranged from paying with a poor woman’s knickers to actually paying with a peppercorn. It was generally used to settle debts, or to prove that someone is a leaseholder rather than a freeholder.
Rocket: Whatever, Mr. Wikipedia.
Skylark: What’s a Wikipedia?
Rocket: I forget, you can’t read. I’ll show it to you later.
Skylark: In any case, I hated everything about this waste of paper. The storytelling, the unfunny characters trying to be cute and even their names. I mean, who names a character Lime Green Jello?
Rocket: It had some nice romantic tension.
Skylark: Harlequin novels have “nice romantic tension” but they’re still nothing but kindling.
Rocket: Some of those Harlequin novels are actually pretty good, but you don’t even give them a chance. Let me read one to you sometime.
Skylark: I would rather hear a cat scratch its nails against a steel wall.
Rocket: Dude, this is where your penis and your anus take over your brain. It’s just a silly story, you are reading way too much into it. It’s not Jane Eyre or anything.
Skylark: I’m sorry, it’s just garbage and it makes me want to vomit.
Rocket: Quit being a lit snob and just take it for what it is.
Skylark: I’d rather listen to Milli Vanilli.
Rocket: Snob.
Skylark: Snob is a derisive term for someone who has more taste than you.
Rocket: At least I don’t taste like shit.
Skylark: I do not taste like shit!
Rocket: You are a metaphorical asshole and that’s why you metaphorically taste like shit.
Skylark: Thank you. Moving along…

Rats, Wrong Alley
Rocket: This story was so wrong on so many levels.
Skylark: Yes, and wonderfully so. Fifties-style pulp science fiction meets hard-boiled crime for a wickedly funny effect. I am looking forward to seeing more of Tim Johnson’s work.
Rocket: You like weird and gross stuff. I didn’t like it at all. It had rats and too much blood. ICKY! I hate rats and too much blood.
Skylark: What did you think of the story itself.
Rocket: It had rats, but I didn’t see that ending coming at all.
Skylark: To be honest, neither did I and I found that to be quite refreshing.

Brilliant Suspension
Rocket: I was crying so hard when I read this. It really freaked me out. I still freak out when I think about it.
Skylark: Yes, you really were really quite upset by this work. You actually had to stop reading it for a while.
Rocket: It just seemed so real. I felt like I was actually there, seeing the guy just hanging there. I mean, he seemed okay with it but… *Rocket sobs.*
Skylark: Honey, calm down.
Rocket: I am not sure why I was so upset by it. Maybe it was just that the guy so calm, or… I don’t know.
Skylark: Do you want to know why I think that work made you feel like that?
Rocket: Sure.
Skylark: Trina Shealy Orton mixed deep spirituality with the grotesque, painting an intricate verbal picture that demands the full attention of the reader’s senses. With a dynamic grasp of vocabulary that would make Lovecraft proud, she crafts a work that is at once ambigous, direct, gorgeously sensual and irredeemably hideous. While it is absolutely painful to experience, it is a rewarding work, especially after it is absorbed and processed by the mind. Quite frankly, It was a rare and amazing thing to partake in with modern literature.
Rocket: Yeah, it really was well-written. But it still scares the shit out of me.
Skylark: I wasn’t so much freaked out as I was mesmerized, but I completely understand where you were coming from. I am a bit of a masochist, and have dabbled in suspension play, so it wasn’t so much shocking to me as it was… intense.
Rocket: I agree with you on that last word.
Skylark: I highly recommend this segment to anyone who feels strong enough to handle the subject matter.

Blue Elephants
Rocket: That was so funny!
Skylark: I know, we were laughing so hard when you were reading this one.
Rocket: Jennifer Jourdanne totally needs to write a bookful of her bitchy rants. She is way too awesome.
Skylark: Her observational humor is splendid. Aside from some minor stylistic issues I had with “creative capitalizations,” I really have nothing negative to say about her contribution .
Rocket: Soccer moms and Suzanne Sommers would hate it.
Skylark: Yes… yes they would.
Rocket: This chick needs to write sitcoms. A TV show by her would kick ass and it would be better than anything on TV.
Skylark: I personally would enjoy a stand-up comedy routine by her.
Rocket: That would rule.

The Hermetic Crab
Rocket: It ended too soon!
Skylark: I am in complete agreement. How much do you want to bet Cameron Hill loves to read comedic sword and sorcery novels?
Rocket: I would love to LARP or watch anime with Cameron.
Skylark: I wonder if this person is a Terry Pratchet fan?
Rocket: Write a sequel Cameron! That crab was way too funny.
Skylark: People really need to read this gleefully absurd tale of magic and mayhem.
Rocket: Especially you Sam Raimi. Buy the film rights dude, for real.
Skylark: I personally think Terry Gilliam would do a better job.
Rocket: Terry Gilliam is weird.
Skylark: Precisely.
Rocket: I bet you can read this to kids.
Skylark: It might be too much for very young children, but I otherwise recommend this lighthearted morsel to everyone else without any hesitation.
Rocket: Totally.

Head Drippers
Rocket: Creepy, creepy, creepy.
Skylark: It was okay as far as pulp science fiction goes, The end dissapointed me. I wondered, how the narrator could make the attestment he made at the introduction after I read the rest of the story.
Rocket: Funny farms already creeped me out. “Head Drippers” only made my phobia worse.
Skylark: Robert Streussi shows a lot of promise as a writer, but needs to watch for continuity and voice. With a lot of polish I see some definite potential.
Rocket: I don’t know, I thought it was really scary.
Skylark: I could take it or leave it.

Something Funny is Going On
Skylark: Brian Rosenberger’s faux war journal about the battle against menacing clowns from outerspace is a gem of wry humor.
Rocket: It totally confused me. It seemed like a whacked out journal entry by some militia dude who’s on too much acid.
Skylark: The protagonist’s dogged determination and paranoid rants compelled care about his caused.
Rocket: It seemed too disjointed.
Skylark: I agree, I feel this story could have benefitted with more meat to fill in the gaps. However, the abbreviated feel of this work really contributed to its mood and sense of urgency. I was hungry for more.
Rocket: I just didn’t get it.
Skylark: I’m not surprised. You aren’t a big fan of war fiction or clown bashing.
Rocket: Nope. I love clowns and I hate war.

Clob
Rocket: Clob is a male pig.
Skylark: Turkey is more like it.
Rocket: He’s like this one guy’s id and he makes all sorts of rude comments. Michael Stone obviously had fun writng this.
Skylark: Bah. Too predictable. It’s been done to death.
Rocket: But not with a pig…
Skylark: Pig, imp, shoulder devils, whatever… it’s all the same.
Rocket: You know Skylark, that’s why I liked the story so much. Clob reminds me of you. I love stories about assholes trying to corrupt nice people.
Skylark: What!

Berries Under the Snow
Skylark: William Brock’s tale of tragic love was absolutely devasting yet delicately gorgeous.
Rocket: It was really sad but good.
Skylark: Emotionally wrenching.
Rocket: Yeah. I cried so hard.
Skylark: Me too and I normally don’t cry over romances.
Rocket: I know.
Skylark: Well, that’s it for our review of Teddy Bear Cannibal Massacre, an anthology edited by Tim Lieder. Thank you for reading.