Archive for ‘Uncategorized’
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FAQ: Can I buy the Polska, Sucka dolls? They are gorgeous.
February 2nd, 2007 |Posted In: Uncategorized
Not at this time. I would love to in the future. However, if you are interested in checking out Ashbet’s collection of customized Asian Ball-Jointed dolls that we use as models in P,S! please visit Mater Metis. If you want to collect and customize your own Asian Ball-Jointed dolls, a good resource to learn more about this hobby is Den of Angels and BJDFAQ. This is not a cheap hobby, but it is very rewarding for those who engage in it
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FAQ: If working on some of the stories in P,S! upset you so much, why do it?
December 27th, 2009 |Posted In: Uncategorized
It’s cheaper than therapy. My art is a psychological toilet and safe place. If something good comes out of it, more power to me. Storytelling without passion is boring, and if getting that passion brings me pain, so be it.
I’d rather be melancholy about my art, than negative and depressed in the real world.
FAQ: Ace Talkingwolf really does look like the original Bog. Where did you find him?
December 27th, 2009 |Posted In: Uncategorized
He actually found us on MySpace via Ace’s profile, believe it or not. He has been a joy to work with ever since.
Because death is random, and it affects everyone.
Why do you write so much of the text in Polska, Sucka! in non-english languages?
December 27th, 2009 |Posted In: Uncategorized
Because I want to! What the hell is wrong with a little mystery or searching through a foreign dictionary? The comic is set in Poland and Eastern Europe, for Pete’s sake — is it that unreasonable to have my characters speak in their native language. If it were completely up to me, Polska, Sucka! would not even be in English, but my grasp of Polish is tenuous at best, so I have to work with the skills I do have. Its also hard to translate text that’s pretty much nonsense written by someone with a Kindergarten level of writing in Eastern European languages, so there. Anyway, to placate readers of the comic who finds this tendency of mine annoying to the extreme, I will make a compromise: All unnecessary translations will be posted in the comments section of each comic upon request. I am not a linguistic wizard. Thank you for understanding.
Yes and no. Since this book is based upon exploitation cinema, it is not surprising that every single character in the series seems stereotypical to some extent. Every race, creed, and predilection is represented. However, I go out of my way to flesh out each character as much as it is humanly possible. After all, this book is about individuals and the choices they make, not a neo-Nazi propaganda pamphlet.
I am working on it, but if anyone wants to write individual character profiles, let me know.
FAQ: How could’ve Skylark sold a kid for euros when Rocket was a kid? Euros didn’t exist until 1991.
December 27th, 2009 |Posted In: Uncategorized
This is an alternate universe Poland. Now keep your anal-retentive mouth shut. It’s only a friggin’ comic book.
FAQ: Crack didn’t even exist in the 70′s. Why is Skylark’s mom smoking it?
December 27th, 2009 |Posted In: Uncategorized
Because in Suckaverse Poland, she invented it. Originally, it was called “krakowina.”
The scene where the Chasidic Jews encounter the corpse is full of mistakes. Why?
December 27th, 2009 |Posted In: Uncategorized
The Chasid who happened to be a Holocaust survivor was more sympathetic to Skylark’s imperfect handling of the corpse and in the way he dealt with the person responsible for her death, than his American counterpart. The main reason being that he knew first hand of the unpleasant things people had to do to survive and to protect others during that hideous period in history, and could see echoes of that in Skylark’s own experiences.I foolishly made the corpse’s makeshift kittel purple instead of white because I was color-happy. This error in the second edition of that issue.
I am also guessing that a lot of the gaffes might have been on Skylark’s part since he was probably still grief-stricken and trying to come to grips with his own actions in terms of exacting revenge. However, I will say that Rocket prepared the corpse in the most correct manner she could, as Skylark could techically not clean the corpse himself.
Loki’s response: I’m half-Polish
Vas’s response: No, I am a Puerto Rican of mixed-ethnicity. I speak/write/read the Polish language at a rather basic level. I do find Poland very fascinating and I enjoy learning everything I can about its culture. Poland is quite exotic, yet familiar to me.
May I read the original Polska Blood Sucka Phucka Manuscript?
December 27th, 2009 |Posted In: Uncategorized
I suppose you could, but I would highly recommend against it. In short, I decided that this novel would remain perpetually unfinished because it is horrid on a level that only horny bisexual teenagers, with delusions of being able to write epic works and inspired by the muse of chemical-enhancement, are capable of achieving. Polska Blood Sucka Phucka has absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever (and that includes moral, literary and financial,) other than the fact that it was the catalyst for the comic book. In my opinion, I think that you need to stop reading this FAQ entry and go elsewhere in this site, right now. However, if you still feel like you must read this utter shit that can only be described as the biggest waste of my time, ever, go to Google and search the title. You will probably find it, but mark my words, you will regret it.
“Polska”, is the Polish name for Poland. “Sucka” in addition to being a corruption of the word “sucker,” is also a nod Keenan Ivory Wayans blaxploitation parody, “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka” and a word play on the word “suka,” which means “bitch” in Polish. In short, “Polska, Sucka!” means “Poland, Bitch-Sucker!” Personally, that just doesn’t have the same ring to it, now does it? However, Polska Sucka! is more than just a title.
Polska, Sucka! is the obsession that has pretty much devoured all of my free time from 2004-2006. This project is a highly-offensive and contemporary “blaxpoitation” comic book set in Europe with a rather unlikely cast consisting mostly of pasty white folk, and starring a half-Japanese Polish Jew midget prostitute with green hair named Skylark.
This graphic novel is the bastard stepchild of an permanently unfinished craperotica novel entitled, Polska, Blood Sucka Phucka! whose opening line failed in its bid to capture the dubious honor of a Bulwer Lytton award. Its other parent, is a cheesy vampire comic book I conceived in high school that was entitled with the rather insipid name of, “Vampyres.” Fortunately for everyone involved in this process, the comic book actually turned out to be something special.
I have issues, and Skylark is an abstract manifestation of all of the mental garbage I carry. The development of this weird character, a perpetually angry prostitute with a shitty life who may or may not be a vampire, began when I was in tenth grade.
Back then, I had a huge thing for crossdressers. As a member of the LDS church, I figured it really was the only way I could express my Lesbianism without being afraid of going to hell for having same-sex attraction. So I wanted to make a cross-dressing vampire anti-hero who oozed sexiness. I also had a big thing for Eastern Europeans, and Asians, so I made my anti-hero, Skylark, half-Polish Jew and half-Japanese. In high school, I envied people with crazy hair dyed in unnatural colors and clothing weirder than mine, so Skylark donned this apparel.
There were some major plot elements in the original comic related to Skylark’s young appearance that I did not wish to discard wholesale, so I made a compromise, and made Skylark into a socially retarded thirty-year-old midget with endrocrinological issues that keep him from growing facial/body hair. There were also other factors that influenced my decision in his appearance that go beyond the obvious.
During the two most sordid years of my life, when I struggled with drug addiction and was involved in some rather unsavory ventures, I apparently dressed and acted a lot like Skylark (except my wigs were Raggedy Ann Red instead of Pool Table Green.) Obviously, I didn’t go to many of the extreme behaviors he engages in, but I am sure this life experience has painted my vision. One of my friends from back in Fargo still gives me good-natured grief about it. Personally I don’t remember much from those days now that I’m sober. There must be some subconsicious factor to it all.
As I was working on putting my life back together, I actually did associate with a waif-like adult woman with dwarfism. She worked in the sex industry, could seduce ANYONE and lived an extraodinarily tragic yet exhuberant life. She was at once child-like and deviously intelligent. I consider this lost ex-friend to be the biggest influence on the development of the present character.
One thing about Skylark that has not changed, is the fact that for most of his appearances in the comic book, he is a total prick who isn’t happy about being a total prick. More importantly, I prefer to think of Skylark not as a novelty item, but as a man conflicted by his gender, his decisions, his faith and his nature.
If you want to witness the comic book for yourself, you probably can’t anymore because it’s out of print. If you are patient, I will be printing a lot of it online. When you read this story, think of it as a socially-conscious B-movie in comic book form.
If you don’t have issue #2, be patient. It will be online 0n 2011.
I read the news and sometimes wish I didn’t. I fell through the cracks and gathered plenty of life experience that I didn’t want to gather. I have witnessed or heard about horrible things that happened to people who I’ve met over the years. I will not get into specifics out of respect for my family, but let’s just say that the world can be a very cruel and sad place. This book a cathartic excercise.
Majik thingses happens when you have editor and spell chek. Heh!
#1
Rocket: Why do you make read these depressingly gross books about Eastern Europe? It makes my tummy hurt when I do.
Skylark: Well, depending on who you ask, Poland is more or less in Eastern Europe. As someone living in said area of the world, I take a great interest in the history of my country as well as the history of its neighbors. By the way, in case you haven’t noticed, we are characters in an excessively violent comic book that, might I add, has nowhere near the amount of the socially redeeming values as Safe Area Gorazde: The War in Eastern Bosnia 1992-1995. This is a well-researched piece of historical nonfiction that happens to be presented in a more visually-engaging format than the average dry textbook.
Rocket: I know, but I read comic books to help me escape from reality, not to remind me of how the world totally sucks.
Skylark: Perhaps, but you must admit that these people’s lives are much worse than yours will ever be.
Rocket: That’s precisely why I didn’t like Safe Area Gorzade. That was the most messed up comic book about real people that I’ve read in my life. What kind of a comic book shows little kids getting surgery without anesthetic? I mean, Why would anyone draw people getting their limbs sawed off?
Skylark: Rocket, what you need to understand here is that Safe Area Gorazde not merely a comic book, but rather an uncompromising work of “comics journalism”. What you see in the pages of the book, is the raw realism of wartime life as seen through Joe Sacco’s eyes. Eastern Bosnia was a rather grisly place during the ethnic cleansing of its non-Serbian population and Sacco did a phenomenal job transporting us as readers into a horrifying and often forgotten time in history. This is not to say that the book is entirely bleak…
Rocket: Do you actually believe that?
Skylark: Sacco’s supporting cast is beautifully developed as he draws us in their intensely complex and human world with careful attention to minutiae. I still smile whenever I remember Riki, the aspiring singer who belts out English-language songs in spite of the grimness around him, or Harris listening to Sacco tell him about his memories of Pulp Fiction when Gorazde was shut off from the rest of the world. Dark humor and genuinely sweet moments brought the story to life without sentimetalizing things too much. I cared about the characters their demons, their joys, and their defeats. I was left wanting to know more about them, not because I felt confused or shortchanged, but because they genuinely felt like friends by the end of the graphic novel.
Rocket: There was a drawing of someone’s dad cut in half and burnt. I still get nightmares because of that picture. How can you think this is a good book in any way? It was the most depressing thing I’ve ever read in my entire life. Well maybe not, but pretty damn close.
Skylark: What did you think of the art?
Rocket: Why is it most of those underground comics look like Robert Crumb stuff? I am so sick of that Robert Crumb stuff. The drawings always look so dark and scratchy.
Skylark: I happen to like Robert Crumb, thank you very much. I personally thought that Sacco’s drawing-style, though clearly influenced by the aforementioned artist, possessed a very clean edge to it — not at all, as you say, “dark and scratchy”. His layouts are absolutely masterful and the images are stark, yet sensitive. The art entralled me.
Rocket: He’s no Boris Vallejo.
Skylark: Boris Vallejo? You mean the comic cover illustrator who does all the tacky and completely soulless Bougereau-inspired science fiction schlock paintings with the steroid-enhanced men and silicone-boosted women?
Rocket: Who’s Bougereau?
Skylark: That Neo-Raphaelite milksop that painted all of those technically beautiful pictures of Romanis, sexualized little girls with huge eyes and mythological characters in a way that can be best described by the layman as “photo-realistic.”
Rocket: Yeah! That’s totally the Boris Vallejo I’m talking about! And thanks for telling me the name of that Bougereau guy, he is totally awesome artist. They’re not like that crappy Robert Crumb stuff or modern art bullcrap you get all gushy about.
Skylark: And on that intelligent note, we finish today’s review of Safe Area Gorazde: The War in Eastern Europe 1992-1995 by Joe Sacco. Thank you for reading.
VAS Littlecrow presents reviews by fictional characters that happen to be fugitives from the law. Our illiterate reviewer, Zebedeuza Skyler Kubrokovich (also known as Skylark) gives you his opinions on stuff he encounters. His lovely assistant Roch Edyta Mikova, better known as Rocket, reads things aloud and makes additional asides if necessary. Today’s review is “who was the marketing genius who came up with this crap?
- Gillette Venus Vibrance vibrating razor.
Skylark: A vibrating razor?
Rocket: Heh, heh, heh! Now you can shave yourself and, you know.
Skylark: Please… don’t say it…
Rocket: I wonder if there’s a porno about vibrating razors.
Skylark: The images… I want to die.
Rocket: How much do you want to bet Ace watches pornos with vibrating razors?
Skylark: Cholera Jasna! Stop talking.
Rocket: You have to admit, it is a pretty stealthy way to hide your sick kinks.
Skylark: Where’s my knife. I need to gouge out my eardrums.
Rocket: The package says it has Moisture-Glide strips. Is that like that Astroglide stuff?
Skylark: I want to die… I really want to die.
Rocket: It also says here that “Gillette Venus Vibrance provides a sensationally smooth shave that gently exfoliates to instantly reveal more radiant skin.”
Skylark: Really?
Rocket: Yep.
Skylark: Maybe I should try one. The skin on legs really could use a little more radiance.
Rocket: How about your butt?
Skylark: UGH! Cholera, Rocket! You are so nasty! NASTY! NASTY!
Rocket: I love you too honey. - MGA Entertainment Bratz Babyz
Skylark: What the hell kind of a toy is this? The slutwear for teens and young girls trend was disturbing enough. Why someone felt it was necessary to create slutwear for infants and dress baby dolls in such clothes is beyond me. I realize that there are people who resort to using the Greco-Roman ideal of the child as being the epitome of Eros to justify their aberrant pedophilic urges, but this takes the cake. Creating a false air of sexualized innocence is one thing, but someone being so bold as to depict pseudo-innocent infants as cheap hookers is a different ballgame all together. Maybe this hits a little too close to home because of what I went through as a boy. I am flabbergasted by the fact such a toy could exist.
Rocket: Cool!
Skylark: How on earth could you think this is cool?
Rocket: Their pets are funny. I love the frog with the super huge eyes. The expression on him is like, “Whoa!” The cat’s pretty neat too. Those pets are so demented. Why can’t I have an animal sidekick.
Skylark: What kind of animal sidekick could you possibly have?
Rocket: A squirrel… a really angry and demented squirrel that complains a lot.
Skylark: Oh great, Rocket and her flaming squirrel. Listen, you can’t have a squirrel sidekick.
Rocket: Why not?
Skylark: Ill Will Press already owns the copyright to Foamy the Squirrel.
Rocket: Aw nuts!
Rocket: Look at what I stumbled upon on while reading Josie Nutter‘s LiveJournal.
Skylark: Josie Nutter?
Rocket: Yeah, that one model who does all the videogame stuff. She’s cool as all hell.
Skylark: Nutter is her real name?
Rocket: Like Zebedeuza Skyler for a first name is all that much better.
Skylark: Fuck. You.
Rocket: Check out this entry of hers.
Skylark: Read it for me please.
Rocket: (Reads the entry aloud until she gets to, “There’s a market for this?! Whole videos of nothing but cats licking their balls?! Damn.”)
Skylark: Whoa, wait a second… whole videos of cats licking their balls?
Rocket: That’s right.
Skylark: Uff! I am disgusted. Why would anyone create videos of cats licking their balls.
Rocket: I am not entirely certain because I can’t read whatever the heck this Asian language is. But, it looks like Soft On Nyanko makes softcore kitty porn videos.
Skylark: I hope this baffling site is just an isolated incident.
Rocket: You wish. Apparently kitty porn is a widespread thing. About.com has an entire section about it with video. You can even get the t-shirt.
Skylark: Lovely.
Rocket: Kitty porn must be stopped.
Skylark: EEEEEE! Kawaii! Let me see that website. Awwww! Puddy tat baby fooz! Look at all the cute little kittens. I can read numbers and circles well enough to know this is a rating site.
Rocket: Yes it is.
Skylark: I want to rate the pudding! That one’s so foofy and tabby, she gets a ten. Neeee!
Rocket: Oh my gawd.
Skylark: Look at the little black baby with the limey greenie eyesies. Oh booboo! He gets a ten.
Rocket: It appears that Skylark really gets pleasure out of looking at pictures of naked kitties.
Skylark: Boo doo boo doo spotted-belly lovey goo goo! Kitty get another ten. Awww…
Rocket: Kitty porn, you never know who’s looking at it. It could be your friend, your family member, even your significant other.
Skylark: Rocky, look at this fluffy cotton ball baby with bluesy blue eyes. It looks like a villain kitty.
Rocket: Oh my gawd, that one is SO cute!
This column has been suspended until the next installment due to massive cuteness poisoning. To alleviate the symptoms of cuteness poisoning, gag at will.
Note to our readers: Rocket and Skylark are actually reviewing the Polish version of Snow White and Russian Red by Dorota Maslowska, so there may be some quirks in their review that may not correspond to the English version of the aformentioned book. – Vas
Rocket: What the hell did I just read?
Skylark: An absolutely masterful piece of modern literature entitled Polish-Russian War under a White and Red Banner by the lovely and talented, Dorota Maslowska.
She wrote this serendipitous work of art at the tender age of 19 in a single month in between classes.
Rocket: And, it shows! This book makes no sense whatsoever and the title sucks. I mean really, Polish-Russian War under a White and Red Banner? That sounds like one of those lame-ass Komuchy school primers people had to read in the olden days.
Skylark: Olden days? Uff! Never mind. You underestimate the pervasive sense of irony and hopelessness that Maslowska conveys from beginning to end. She paints a bleakly accurate picture of our country’s disenfranchised youth in working class communities — much like our former home in Nowa Huta.
Rocket: Did you notice that Vas wrote “Huta Nowa” instead of “Nowa Huta” in the last comic? What a retard!
Skylark: I’m sure that had less to do with being mentally challenged and more with an honest editorial mistake.
Rocket: Dude! At least that Dorota chick spelled the name of our town right. She’s like from here, so she knows town names. Vas shouldn’t be writing comic books about Poland when she’s never been here.
Skylark: Using that logic, you shouldn’t be eating Mc Donald’s American burgers and getting fat off them because you have never been to the United States of America.
Rocket: You are a bastard!
Skylark: Second-generation. Possibly the spawn of a Japanese diplomat. A big, “so what?” pops out of my mouth.
Rocket: This book has the worst grammar ever. I can write a book with punctuation and sentences that actually make sense to someone other than some guy snorting more amfa than Wit on a binge when he has too much money.
Skylark: That style of writing is called “stream of consciousness.” The feeling you got from the book, actually is the exact drug-induced lunacy that Masloska is trying to convey. I also would add that from an auditory perspective, this book had quite the captivating candence, much like beat poetry. A nihilistic joyride into the world of our paranoid world of our protagonist, Nails. Visions of red and white colors invoke sense of fatalism, as well as righteously xenophobic nationalism that is at once patriotic and blasphemous. This is what Poland has become in the eyes of the young generation, and it is truly terrifying.
Rocket: Terrifying my left ovary! This book is nothing but a bunch of bad trips from too much speed, dogs dying from not taking a dump often enough and graphic descriptions of people vomiting. I mean, in one single book, people vomited white stuff, blood, coals, rocks and other stuff. I admit that the projectile vomiting scene with the one anorexic Satanist chick at that one apartment was pretty damn funny, but that’s only because I’ve seen Wit barf like that from doing too much speed.
Skylark: You vomit like that when you drink too much.
Rocket: Yeah, I know. That’s why I have this haircut. I got sick of asking people to hold my hair whenever I felt queasy. At least I don’t do drugs. Booze is good enough for me.
Skylark: Then people ask me why I quit drinking and doing drugs.
Rocket: Most of them. There’s tobacco and…
Skylark: Don’t start that. You know I only do that for medicinal purpose.
Rocket: That’s what they all say.
Skylark: I have AIDS and I can’t afford prescriptions. I need to eat, otherwise I lose weight.
Rocket: I wish I had your problem.
Skylark: That’s horribly insensitive.
Rocket: Anyway, was it just me, or was that Nails dude a little bit too obsessed with Ptasie Mleczko, and his ex-girlfriend.
Skylark: Well Magda represented a sense of stability for him, and being dumped by her pushed him over the edge of the precipice he was leaning over.
Rocket: Ptasie Mleczko are totally nasty. Wisnie on the other hand, are the bomb. They’re even kind of healthy because if you eat a whole box of them you’ll get your serving of fruits for the day.
Skylark: I would hardly call chocolate-covered cherries drowned in liquor, a health food.
Rocket: They’re healthier than plain liquor.
Skylark: Point. But I digress, I think what you are missing about Polish-Russian War under a White and Red Banner is the fact, that it is such a brilliantly captured slice of life, served upon a plateful of honesty pie and…
Rocket: Enough of this tarradiddle.
Skylark: Do you even know tarradiddle means? Because if you do, I find it offensive that you should say such a thing.
Rocket: You and I know very well that this book made no sense at all, and you’re just trying to look all smart because you don’t know how to read.
Skylark: I don’t need to read — that’s what you and audiobooks are for.
Rocket: I’m smarter than you because I know how to read and my opinion as a woman matters more than yours as a queer. Unlike Nails, when you look in the mirror you see all of the signs of faggotude and stupiditry.
Skylark: Stupidtry, eh? Well, on that droll note, we finish today’s review of Polish-Russian War under a White and Red Banner by Dorota Maslowska. Thank you for reading.
Rocket: Well it’s about time I read you something that doesn’t suck. I was kind of afraid that I would have to start taking Valium or something.
Skylark: Today’s book review is for Terry Pratchett’s delightful trifle, The Unadulterated Cat.
Rocket: It’s about cats that do weird things and mess with your mind, with quantum mechanics. Its the kind of stuff that only super smart scientists and the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000 can ever hope to understand. These are the real cats — Schrodinger’s cats. Cats that mess up the laws of time and space and appear under your bed curled up and happy the morning after you tossed them outside. These cats are the opposite of those insanely cute villain cats that only exist in movies, comics and kitty rating sites.
Skylark: Yes, that just about says it all. Gray Jolliffe’s delightful cartoons only add whimsy to Pratchett’s lighthearted yet brainy style of prose. The narrative sails along very quickly and it only gets more entertaining after repeated readings. Definitely something the children can read aloud to the entire family, but full of enough saucy references to keep the adults entertained. It also “has standardized tests” to determine if your cat is a “real cat” and ways of acquiring one of these paradoxical felines if you want one.
Rocket: I can’t believe we actually agree on a book.
Skylark: Yes, that’s a bit of probability anomaly if ever there was one.
Rocket: Yeah, what you said!
Skylark: And that concludes our review of The Unadulterated Cat by Terry Pratchett. Thank you for reading.
The following is a really long review. ↓ Read the rest of this entry…
Rocket: Finally, we got to see the Broken Saints website on broadband Internet rather than on dial-up.
Skylark: It looked pretty good, but Flash and slow Internet do not mix, so I am glad we finally have some decent web access.
Rocket: If you are going to explore this website, and all of the episodes and downloads that it holds, we suggest you do it one small bit at a time. It’s pretty intense… um… cart… um… sh… online graphic novel, I guess.
Skylark: Yeah, that’s the best way description I can think of to describe it.
Rocket: Is it just me, or did Broken Saints kind of remind you of The DaVinci Code?
Skylark: Don’t make fun of people’s art in such a tasteless way.
Rocket: What do you mean? I liked The DaVinci Code.
Skylark: You also like Harlequin Romance Novels.
Rocket: There is nothing wrong with Harlequin Romance Novels, you lit snob.
Skylark: So you say…
Rocket: Anyway, this online graphic novel makes you think, so take some time to absorb it.
Skylark: Film noir and transcendental meditation don’t exactly lend themselves to rushing about.
Rocket: Broken Saints can be very intense, and sometimes it can be pretty freaky. But if you take it slowly it really can make you think. Otherwise, it might be frustrating and boring. I personally didn’t find it that way though.
Skylark: Broken Saints seemed a bit spiritually overwrought at times, but I think that had a lot to do with the whole hard-boiled film noir feel it was trying to accomplish. For this reason, I am willing to give it the benefit of a doubt — especially since it is obvious that the creators have a healthy sense of humor about the whole project. Personally, I am not too much into the whole end of times thing, but I really enjoyed the fresh approach and visual execution. I am definitely curious about viewing the DVD. This website is not for people who are into idealized new age descriptions of spirituality or those who are not comfortable with challenges to their faith. It can get pretty gritty and it’s not exactly fare for the strict Orthodox folks at your local synagogue.
Rocket: That’s for sure. Your aunt would probably throw the computer monitor out the window, and then call the rabbi to do some sort of cleansing ritual before stoning us to death for making her watch the cartoon.
Skylark: That’s a bit of a hyperbole… although, I still remember her reaction when I came out of the bisexual closet. Uff!
Rocket: Your auntie is adorable, but she can kvetch like nobody’s business. Do you remember the floral dish thing?
Skylark: *Making his best impression of an old Jewish woman.* “You did not put cheese on the floral plates. Oh my GAWD, you did put cheese on the floral plates. Now, I am going to need a new set of floral dishes for the lamb chops, because these ones are going into the garbage. You shishke, you bring chaos into the world! Here’s some money. Hurry, go and buy a new set of floral set of dishes before the lamb chops are done, and don’t open the box. I do not want your filthy goy hands touching my new dishes.”
Rocket: That was a pretty good impression of your aunt.
Skylark: Yeah I know… back to the review.
Rocket: We really should’ve done this review years ago.
Skylark: I realize that, but Vas had us in cold storage for about fifteen years. So technically speaking, we didn’t even exist during that time.
Rocket: Sometimes I hate being a cartoon character. I hate it how some unseen weird force of nature, that we can only perceive when it reveals itself to us, can decide the fate of my life with the flick of a calligraphy pen. I hate it how it can create and destroy things, seemingly on a whim, like some unstoppable all-powerful, all-knowing and ever present being. It scares the crap out of me.
Skylark: So does that mean you have a Zeusophobia?
Rocket:What’s a Zoo-Zoo-Pho-Bee?
Skylark: You have an irrational fear of deity.
Rocket: Vas is not deity.
Skylark: It depends on your perspective… She is not a god, as we understand it, but…
Rocket: Enough of the blasphemy.
Skylark: How can I blaspheme against something that cannot be proved or disproved?
Rocket: No wonder your aunt thinks you’re a bad Jew. How can you be a Jew if you don’t believe in G-d.
Skylark: I believe in G-d, just not the way most people do.
Rocket: You suck! I’m going to spend some alone time now.
Skylark: OY! You argue for the sake of arguement. I swear.
Rocket: *Slams the door.*
Skylark: Well, thanks for reading… but sheesh, that woman.
Rocket: What the hell are you doing with those scissors?
Skylark: I’m going to cut some pictures out of this Victorian clip art book, so I can decoupage this lunch box.
Rocket: (Snatches the book from Skylark’s hands in the nick of time.) Dude, this is not a Dover clip art book of Victorian art. This is Edward Gorey’s Amphigorey Also. It’s a book from 1983 and it still has that copyright stuff that’s legal and shit, so it’s not in the public domain.
Skylark: Copyright laws can eat my ass.
Rocket: Plus, I’m borrowing it from Vas.
Skylark: Ooh that’s a pity. I wanted to use the color picture of the frog on a bicycle.
Rocket: Tough titty, itty bitty. This is contemporary ficton
Skylark: Really? The artwork looks a bit dated.
Rocket: It’s not dated, it’s retro.
Skylark: As in pseudo-vintage?
Rocket: I guess. It looks old.
Skylark: It’s wonderfully intricate, but I wish the linework wasn’t so busy in some of the pieces. Overall, the style is charming and pleasing to the eye and it is meticulously executed. I think that has a lot to do with why I wanted to decorate my Victorian-themed lunch box with some of the art.
Rocket: The art is cute, but wait until I read the Gorey’s stories to you, they are uporary with just a tiny bit of phantasmagory.
Skylark: Leave the poetry to me, okay.
Rocket: What’s wrong with my poetry? I’m just trying to get into the groove for this review.
Skylark: Ew.
Rocket: Oh, whatever you crochety green-haired bastard. This book is weird fun for the whole family, although really tiny kids might be scared by some of the stories and art.
Skylark: I am disappointed I can’t make decoupage with it.
Rocket: Sorry. Here, use this book instead. Oh yeah, and this one is pretty sweet too.
Skylark: I will have the best lunch box ever!
Rocket: By the way, why are you decorating a lunch box with a Victorian theme?
Skylark: It’s pretty and I want to give that incredibly hot HIV-positive goth guy I met the other day a lovely gift. You know, a bunch of adult implements in a really cute container. If I impress him, I might be able to get him into b… (Skylark nearly incriminates himself and stops talking.)
Rocket: (Suspicious.) Get him into what?
Skylark: Um… I gotta go Rocket, I have an appointment at the… um… hair salon, yeah, the hair salon. (Runs away.)
Rocket: (Chases after Skylark.) You bastard, you’re going to cheat on me with a goth dude. You slut! I’m gonna kill you.
Skylark: That was absolutely entrancing and relaxing.
Rocket: Where do you get these weird boring-ass CDs. I still can’t that damn rooster song out of my head.
Skylark: “The Chauncer Songbook” is neither boring nor weird. It is a meticulously researched journey back into the medieval era where music is sublimely performed with authentic instruments and divine compositions. The vocalists have a pleasant…
Rocket: Whoa, wait! Maybe the chick has a good opera voice, but that fat-sounding dude is just weird.
Skylark: Fat-sounding dude?
Rocket: Not that opera is even cool to begin with.
Skylark: Where do you get opera from? There is not a single operatic performance in this CD. It is engrossingly unpretentious medieval folk music.
Rocket: What do you mean that there’s no opera in this CD? It’s all about the opera! (Trying to sound operatic.) “IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII haaaava geeeeeeeeeeentile COCK!” That sounds pretty damn operamatic to me.
Skylark: Do you even know what the hell an opera is?
Rocket: Hell yeah.
Skylark: Englighten me.
Rocket: It’s old music, sang by fat people with really loud voices about cocks, kings, religion, maidens with boobs, sex, death and stuff.
Skylark: (Dumbfounded.) I can’t really argue with that. What about modern operas like “Jesus Christ Superstar,” “Tommy,” or R. Kelly’s “TP.3″?
Rocket: Operative word is “modern”, which means, “better”. Except for R. Kelly, unless you are into rap and crap like Eryk.
Skylark: “Modern” is not a synonym for better, and Eryk would never listen to R. Kelly. He is more into old school and underground.
Rocket: Modern is too better. Buffalo turds for heating houses: Old. Solar energy: Modern. TV: Old. Internet: Modern. Opera: Old. Metal: Modern. Jolt: Old. Red Bull: Modern. Auntie: Old. Me: Modern. See, modern means better.
Skylark: What about old Metallica versus modern Metallica.
Rocket: (Looking quite distressed.) Dammit! That totally ruined my theory.
Skylark: Are you aware of that there is a difference between theory, hypothesis, and blatantly uneducated guess.
Rocket: I bet you believe in evolution too.
Skylark: Where the hell did that come from?
Rocket: You believe in science fiction, and not in intelligent design. That shows that you are stupider than me, because everybody knows that G-d created the universe. It’s right in the Torah.
Skylark: You are so meshuga today. What is your deal? Have you been talking to those American Messianic idiots again? I saw them doing their silly mission work earlier today. Like they’re ever going to convert Poland’s stubborn-ass Catholics.
Rocket: They’re not idiots, they’re nice and they believe in Jesus. Their way seems to be the best one in helping me reconcile my Catholic upbringing and my Jewish wannabeness.
Skylark: Rocket, I hate to break it to you, but, Messianic Jews aren’t really Jews. They’re Christians with identity issues.
Rocket: Oh yeah, well Auntie says that Reform Jews aren’t real Jews either. She told me that Reform Jews are the ones that are lazy atheists-in-denial who think that it’s cool to wear stars and play dreidel, but not cool to pay attention to high holidays or keeping a kosher kitchen.
Skylark: Rocket my love, this is the point in our conversation when YOU EAT SHIT AND DIE!
Rocket: Ooh.
Skylark: (Forlorn.) My mom was born Jewish.
Rocket: Weren’t we reviewing this one lame opera CD?
Skylark: No, we were reviewing “The Chaucer Songbook” from Carol Lloyd Wood, a beautifully reconstructed collection of Medieval classics using traditional and orginal compositions that evoke authentic aural experiences from a bygone era.
Rocket: In other words, it’s crap that only appeals to scholars and anal Renaissance Festies who scream about not being “in period” if you wear a latex corset with your foofy skirt.
Skylark: Sometimes, I think that those Messianics are actually zombies who are slowly nibbling on your brain, until it disappears into their digestive track.
Rocket: That would be cool.
Skylark: Meshuga. I’m telling you, she’s totally nuts today.
Rocket: “IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII haaaava geeeeeeeeeeeeeentile COCK!
Skylark: Sorry about this and thank you for reading. She’s totally insane.
Rocket: You tricked me! This was not a romance novel at all. I thought Bergstom was so nice when I started this book. Why do you make me read these things aloud? The descriptions were so beautiful; totally engaging to the senses and stuff and then…
Skylark: You also thought the Police’s “Every Move You Make” was romantic. You need to learn that there is nothing loving about someone having a “Die Rebecca Schaffer” obsession.
Rocket: Oh that poor woman!
Skylark: Forget about that. In the defense of romance, I thought the relationship between Dora and Jerry was very romantic, in a pulpy film noir sort of way — not entirely unpredictable yet, satisfying. For the most part, I kept wondering, “what’s going to happen next.” I needed to know. Don’t even get me started on the psychology and secret intrigues. This was a great adventure with lots of gray and fuzzy areas. I love reading about humans.
Rocket: Romantic? That sex sceme at the end was creepiest thing ever. Oh my GAWD! I am still having nightmares.
Skylark: Oh come on, that whole sequence made me want to own a beagle. Kilpatrick, really has a good instict for tying loose ends and keeping continuity. He makes a complex spaghetti of a situation seem as simple as a piece of cake, and that is a testament to his craftsmanship.
Rocket: Want a Twinkie? *Offers one to Sylark*
Skylark: I like Twinkies and I like this book.
Rocket: Hustlers from Krakow will like any twinkie for $20, just like the ones in Los Angeles. I’m kidding, Polish hos are cheaper. Hey I actually learned something from reading this novel!
Skylark: *Irritated* Now that’s low. Just because I’m a former sex worker…
Rocket: You know It’s true, you ho!
Skylark: HO? A ho! I am not a…
Rocket: You just like books with dead people and things that disturb the mind.
Skylark: Let’s not focus on the corpses or the visceral, let’s focus on David Kilpatrick’s rich prose and careful attention to detail.
Rocket: Like the rich and detailed description of some sick bastard sexually mutilating a Barbie doll or some woman getting her skin scraped while falling off her bike.
Skylark: Not specifically… You also can tell that he did his homework. It almost seems like he worked for the police at some point in his life.
Rocket: Rich and detailed descriptions of grossness are not cool, I don’t care how well-written they are.
Skylark: He’s aiming for gritty realism. Do you really think that sexual predators are pleasant people to be around when they are having fits of madness?
Rocket: No… But how is sweeping for hidden surveillance devices realistic for some regular cop? It seems too cloak and dagger to be real.
Skylark: You’re too young to remember the spy fest or the KGB before the wall came down… Oh and don’t get me started on the Patriot Act.
Rocket: Creepy!
Skylark: How can you not like a book with little jokes like a perfume named “Some Flowers” in French or a line like, “…like a macho asshole complex”?
Rocket: How do you know French? You can’t even read.
Skylark: I fucked a hot French guy…
Rocket: I don’t want to know.
Skylark: It was before we were engaged.
Rocket: I said I don’t want to know.
Skylark: But…
Rocket: Skylark, what is wrong with you? I admit that there were some really cute touches, like the gay jokes and the stuff about shopping. Still, why do you insist of inflicting this kind of psychological trauma on me? I don’t ever want to read about men confessing things about little girls getting anally raped with lube or doggies getting burnt.
Skylark: Come on, you have to admit that Jerry the Pervert-Hunter is brilliant, and so is his banter with Dora. Kilpatrick’s cool dark humor really is what made this book a page turner for me. I wonder if he digs Vacchs? Brains and pulp is always a very good combo.
Rocket: The book still grossed me out. Kind of like CSI, only ickier.
Skylark: Are pederasts and sexual predators not gross?
Rocket: Okay, granted but, it was still icky to read.
Skylark: Perhaps, but it was a damn good read.
Rocket: Not if you were in the mood for a romance novel about Hollywood stars, *glaring at Skylark* you weasely… um… trickster!
Skylark: Sour grapes, baby. Today’s review was for David Kilpatrick‘s L.A. Stalker. We hope this column has been helpful. Thank you for reading.
Rocket: Wow, the The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales was hard to read aloud.
Skylark: It was hard to listen to! OY! What crack were these people smoking? The illustrations were interesting in a hideous graphic-design-student-obsessed-with-Mirrormask-taking-way-too-many-hits-of-bad-acid-while-listening-to-Technohead sort of way. I think I needed to be high to enjoy this crap. Hmmm… speaking of getting high, do you have some junk? I’m in so much pain. I hate these idiotic opportunistic infections.
Rocket: No for junk you! Junk is how you got AIDS to begin with! Only medicinal herbs for you, because needles are drugs, and drugs are for losers.
Skylark: I did not get AIDS from shooting up junk, and for your information marijuana IS a drug.
Rocket: Whatever! You’re so off-topic. Let’s get back to the review.
Skylark: (Rolls eyes.) Okay.
Rocket: The drawings are fun. They’re pretty original and different in a freaky way. I totally dig interesting art.
Skylark: Rasputin Catamite is kind of like that, but I don’t hear you heaping on praise.
Rocket: Dude, that comic is just fucking gross. It’s too obsessed with asses and smuttery. Whatever that means. Is “smuttery” even a word? The Stinky Cheese Man is a kid’s book.
Skylark: I think you need a doctorate in child psychology to comprehend this stinky book.
Rocket: Maybe you just need to be a child. This book is for kids and not for little lit snobs like you.
Skylark: I hated it, and so will anyone with taste.
Rocket: I’m not so sure about that, but I think warped children will totally dig it. If you are not a child, be sure to get intoxicated or something before reading. It’s too weird when you are sober.
Skylark: Kind of like me. Sober people hate me.
Rocket: Totally! (Rocket bounces.) Hey that gives me an idea! Instead of you doing dangerous hard drugs, let’s drink Everclear until we vomit blood. That’ll be fun.
Skylark: Um… yeah. Thank you for reading.
Today’s review is for Lady Cottington’s Pressed Fairy Book by Brian Froud and Terry Jones. A special thanks goes out to Mark Masters for sending us a copy to review.
Rocket: For a kid’s book this thing sure has a lot of boobs.
Dmitri: Squeezy, mushed-up boobs.
Skylark: (Giggling stupidly through his nose until cackling bursts through.) How in the hell can you say that with a straight face?
Dmitri: (Mock-crying but actually laughing out loud.) Fairies died a hideous crunchy death to bring us… I can’t. Bear… Gods-dammit where are my meds?
Rocket: Well, at least they have that one section with the weird paper thingy that help protect the innocent from becoming perverted. It did protect your innocence, right Laisandra?
Laisandra: It did not, it merely taunted it and stomped it to a pulp of nothing. I see nothing humorous about a book glorifying the death of fairies.
Dmitri: You see nothing humorous about anything.
Laisandra: So what if I don’t. Fairies are beautiful creatures of fantasy. Delicate and precious, like angels of G-d. But, this Lady Cottington just crushes them like the dreams of a thousand starving children living in the rotting corpse of what used to be a third world country. This book glorifies death, and the destruction of beauty. It is the face of humanity. That wicked disease, humanity is a festering boil upon the universe. Life is worthless. It makes me want to die.
Rocket: (Comforting) Honey, it’s just a funny book with disturbingly pretty watercolor paintings of crushed fairies and a cool fake journal by this one lady that doesn’t even exist. The older version of her is played by Terry Jones on the DVD that comes with the book.
Dmitri: (Laughing Maniacally) Terry Jones in drag is hilarious.
Skylark: (Flippant) In other words, it’s comedic fiction. Don’t take it too seriously, you teenage drama queen.
Rocket: Has anybody ever told you that you’re an asshole?
Skylark: Repeatedly.
Dmitri: (Laughing Obnoxiously) Have some vodka, you can be an asshole too.
Rocket: Dude, you drink way too much.
Skylark: Rocket, you drink bootleg Everclear straight until you puke blood.
Rocket: Yeah, but I’m not an obnoxious alcoholic like he is.
Dmitri: No, I’m just a friendly, horny alcoholic. (Gropes Rocket’s breast.)
Rocket: (Gives Dmitri a sharp left-hook.) That’s for my pressed-Russian collection. (He drops down cold.)
Laisandra: (Deadpan) Now that was funny.
Skylark: Um… whatever. I highly recommend Lady Cottington’s Pressed Fairy Book. It’s not really a kid’s book, but it’s highly enjoyable gallows humor with extremely adept artwork. This is Skylark signing off. Thank you for reading.
Polska, Sucka!’s completely irreverent book and thing reviews are back, after a 2-year disappearance. All reviews are done by the characters of the Suckaverse and are completely tasteless. Be sure to click on the Literate Illiterate tag to check them out.
All the Suckas, United! FAQs that are currently still relevant have been moved here, as the old LJ community is phased out. I also moved the Extras gallery here, and nuked the old Suckaverse site out of existence. In other words, the migration is complete!
New comic coming Wednesday. Be there, or be a rhombus.
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Writing a webcomic about the effects of human trafficking is gut-wrenching enough. Knowing that this is a reality is even more devastating to the human psyche. I don’t have the answers on how we as a society can solve the problem of human-trafficking. However, this documentary by photogenX will certainly, shock and awaken people into awareness of this mind-boggling issue, as well as the hope of a modern-day abolitionist movement.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4323bRWrj0
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Starting on March 2, I will be posting pages of Polska, Sucka! that were not originally included in the Vampires Remixed issue, but really should have been. I omitted these bits of storyline because I gave myself a limit of 24 pages for the print mini-comic version to keep myself within budget and deadline. I would like to thank Thom G. founder of the Polska, Sucka! Fan Club for making a convincing argument for me to actually publish these pages.
I did not try to replicate the old style of drawing, so that the new pages stand out. Working from memory, I was able to reconstruct this introduction to the relationship between Wit and Skylark. Although these pages help the Issue #1 flow more smoothly, they really didn’t seem absolutely necessary to the overall story. However, now that I don’t have the constraints of print, it seemed like a good idea to add this little bit of background. The restored pages also extend the cemetery scene.
There is another rather gruesome, yet deeply touching scene involving Apricot that I could’ve added to the begining of Vampires Remixed, but I decided to save it for the next issue, since it seems be a better fit for that portion of the story.
I am updating the newest episode of Polska, Sucka! early. Loki has been busy with work, so this week’s episode of Killer Dyke is late. Sorry about that.
I originally decided against putting the portion of Polska, Sucka! Issue #2 where Ace graphically executes Chaz in the mini-comic because of space. Also, I was still very squeamish about drawing graphic violence. Without those two constraints in my way, here is the scene, as it was meant to be presented.
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