Polska, Sucka!

A loveable Polish bitch made of pure evil.
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Disclaimer

This webcomic contains extreme violence, implied sexual content, potential triggers for sensitive persons, foul language and a wide variety of actions that might be considered repulsive, immoral or illegal in most of the civilized world, Viewer discretion is HIGHLY recommended. This site is for mature audiences equipped with strong stomachs. If you are easily offended or you can't deal with the average American horror flick, then this site is definitely not for you, and you need to leave now.

All characters, situations and narratives in Polska, Sucka! are completely fictitious. Any character resemblance to actual persons is completely coincidental and are thereby not intended to malign, embarass or harass any person. The views expressed by the characters in this website, are not the views of VAS Littlecrow or any of its divisions, advertisers or service providers. Depictions or mentions of actual countries, trademarks, public figures, systems of belief, events or groups are fictionalized and satirical. These mustn't be construed as official stances, historical documentation or endorsements.

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The Literate Illiterate Review #7

December 27th, 2009 | by Vanesa Littlecrow W.
Posted In: Uncategorized

Rocket: Finally, we got to see the Broken Saints website on broadband Internet rather than on dial-up.
Skylark: It looked pretty good, but Flash and slow Internet do not mix, so I am glad we finally have some decent web access.
Rocket: If you are going to explore this website, and all of the episodes and downloads that it holds, we suggest you do it one small bit at a time. It’s pretty intense… um… cart… um… sh… online graphic novel, I guess.
Skylark: Yeah, that’s the best way description I can think of to describe it.
Rocket: Is it just me, or did Broken Saints kind of remind you of The DaVinci Code?
Skylark: Don’t make fun of people’s art in such a tasteless way.
Rocket: What do you mean? I liked The DaVinci Code.
Skylark: You also like Harlequin Romance Novels.
Rocket: There is nothing wrong with Harlequin Romance Novels, you lit snob.
Skylark: So you say…
Rocket: Anyway, this online graphic novel makes you think, so take some time to absorb it.
Skylark: Film noir and transcendental meditation don’t exactly lend themselves to rushing about.
Rocket: Broken Saints can be very intense, and sometimes it can be pretty freaky. But if you take it slowly it really can make you think. Otherwise, it might be frustrating and boring. I personally didn’t find it that way though.
Skylark: Broken Saints seemed a bit spiritually overwrought at times, but I think that had a lot to do with the whole hard-boiled film noir feel it was trying to accomplish. For this reason, I am willing to give it the benefit of a doubt — especially since it is obvious that the creators have a healthy sense of humor about the whole project. Personally, I am not too much into the whole end of times thing, but I really enjoyed the fresh approach and visual execution. I am definitely curious about viewing the DVD. This website is not for people who are into idealized new age descriptions of spirituality or those who are not comfortable with challenges to their faith. It can get pretty gritty and it’s not exactly fare for the strict Orthodox folks at your local synagogue.
Rocket: That’s for sure. Your aunt would probably throw the computer monitor out the window, and then call the rabbi to do some sort of cleansing ritual before stoning us to death for making her watch the cartoon.
Skylark: That’s a bit of a hyperbole… although, I still remember her reaction when I came out of the bisexual closet. Uff!
Rocket: Your auntie is adorable, but she can kvetch like nobody’s business. Do you remember the floral dish thing?
Skylark: *Making his best impression of an old Jewish woman.* “You did not put cheese on the floral plates. Oh my GAWD, you did put cheese on the floral plates. Now, I am going to need a new set of floral dishes for the lamb chops, because these ones are going into the garbage. You shishke, you bring chaos into the world! Here’s some money. Hurry, go and buy a new set of floral set of dishes before the lamb chops are done, and don’t open the box. I do not want your filthy goy hands touching my new dishes.”
Rocket: That was a pretty good impression of your aunt.
Skylark: Yeah I know… back to the review.
Rocket: We really should’ve done this review years ago.
Skylark: I realize that, but Vas had us in cold storage for about fifteen years. So technically speaking, we didn’t even exist during that time.
Rocket: Sometimes I hate being a cartoon character. I hate it how some unseen weird force of nature, that we can only perceive when it reveals itself to us, can decide the fate of my life with the flick of a calligraphy pen. I hate it how it can create and destroy things, seemingly on a whim, like some unstoppable all-powerful, all-knowing and ever present being. It scares the crap out of me.
Skylark: So does that mean you have a Zeusophobia?
Rocket:What’s a Zoo-Zoo-Pho-Bee?
Skylark: You have an irrational fear of deity.
Rocket: Vas is not deity.
Skylark: It depends on your perspective… She is not a god, as we understand it, but…
Rocket: Enough of the blasphemy.
Skylark: How can I blaspheme against something that cannot be proved or disproved?
Rocket: No wonder your aunt thinks you’re a bad Jew. How can you be a Jew if you don’t believe in G-d.
Skylark: I believe in G-d, just not the way most people do.
Rocket: You suck! I’m going to spend some alone time now.
Skylark: OY! You argue for the sake of arguement. I swear.
Rocket: *Slams the door.*
Skylark: Well, thanks for reading… but sheesh, that woman.

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The Literate Illiterate Review #6

December 27th, 2009 | by Vanesa Littlecrow W.
Posted In: Uncategorized

The following is a really long review. ↓ Read the rest of this entry…

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The Literate Illiterate Review #5

December 27th, 2009 | by Vanesa Littlecrow W.
Posted In: Uncategorized

Rocket: Well it’s about time I read you something that doesn’t suck. I was kind of afraid that I would have to start taking Valium or something.
Skylark: Today’s book review is for Terry Pratchett’s delightful trifle, The Unadulterated Cat.
Rocket: It’s about cats that do weird things and mess with your mind, with quantum mechanics. Its the kind of stuff that only super smart scientists and the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000 can ever hope to understand. These are the real cats — Schrodinger’s cats. Cats that mess up the laws of time and space and appear under your bed curled up and happy the morning after you tossed them outside. These cats are the opposite of those insanely cute villain cats that only exist in movies, comics and kitty rating sites.
Skylark: Yes, that just about says it all. Gray Jolliffe’s delightful cartoons only add whimsy to Pratchett’s lighthearted yet brainy style of prose. The narrative sails along very quickly and it only gets more entertaining after repeated readings. Definitely something the children can read aloud to the entire family, but full of enough saucy references to keep the adults entertained. It also “has standardized tests” to determine if your cat is a “real cat” and ways of acquiring one of these paradoxical felines if you want one.
Rocket: I can’t believe we actually agree on a book.
Skylark: Yes, that’s a bit of probability anomaly if ever there was one.
Rocket: Yeah, what you said!
Skylark: And that concludes our review of The Unadulterated Cat by Terry Pratchett. Thank you for reading.

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The Literate Illiterate Review #4

December 27th, 2009 | by Vanesa Littlecrow W.
Posted In: Uncategorized

Note to our readers: Rocket and Skylark are actually reviewing the Polish version of Snow White and Russian Red by Dorota Maslowska, so there may be some quirks in their review that may not correspond to the English version of the aformentioned book. – Vas

Rocket: What the hell did I just read?
Skylark: An absolutely masterful piece of modern literature entitled Polish-Russian War under a White and Red Banner by the lovely and talented, Dorota Maslowska.
She wrote this serendipitous work of art at the tender age of 19 in a single month in between classes.
Rocket: And, it shows! This book makes no sense whatsoever and the title sucks. I mean really, Polish-Russian War under a White and Red Banner? That sounds like one of those lame-ass Komuchy school primers people had to read in the olden days.
Skylark: Olden days? Uff! Never mind. You underestimate the pervasive sense of irony and hopelessness that Maslowska conveys from beginning to end. She paints a bleakly accurate picture of our country’s disenfranchised youth in working class communities — much like our former home in Nowa Huta.
Rocket: Did you notice that Vas wrote “Huta Nowa” instead of “Nowa Huta” in the last comic? What a retard!
Skylark: I’m sure that had less to do with being mentally challenged and more with an honest editorial mistake.
Rocket: Dude! At least that Dorota chick spelled the name of our town right. She’s like from here, so she knows town names. Vas shouldn’t be writing comic books about Poland when she’s never been here.
Skylark: Using that logic, you shouldn’t be eating Mc Donald’s American burgers and getting fat off them because you have never been to the United States of America.
Rocket: You are a bastard!
Skylark: Second-generation. Possibly the spawn of a Japanese diplomat. A big, “so what?” pops out of my mouth.
Rocket: This book has the worst grammar ever. I can write a book with punctuation and sentences that actually make sense to someone other than some guy snorting more amfa than Wit on a binge when he has too much money.
Skylark: That style of writing is called “stream of consciousness.” The feeling you got from the book, actually is the exact drug-induced lunacy that Masloska is trying to convey. I also would add that from an auditory perspective, this book had quite the captivating candence, much like beat poetry. A nihilistic joyride into the world of our paranoid world of our protagonist, Nails. Visions of red and white colors invoke sense of fatalism, as well as righteously xenophobic nationalism that is at once patriotic and blasphemous. This is what Poland has become in the eyes of the young generation, and it is truly terrifying.
Rocket: Terrifying my left ovary! This book is nothing but a bunch of bad trips from too much speed, dogs dying from not taking a dump often enough and graphic descriptions of people vomiting. I mean, in one single book, people vomited white stuff, blood, coals, rocks and other stuff. I admit that the projectile vomiting scene with the one anorexic Satanist chick at that one apartment was pretty damn funny, but that’s only because I’ve seen Wit barf like that from doing too much speed.
Skylark: You vomit like that when you drink too much.
Rocket: Yeah, I know. That’s why I have this haircut. I got sick of asking people to hold my hair whenever I felt queasy. At least I don’t do drugs. Booze is good enough for me.
Skylark: Then people ask me why I quit drinking and doing drugs.
Rocket: Most of them. There’s tobacco and…
Skylark: Don’t start that. You know I only do that for medicinal purpose.
Rocket: That’s what they all say.
Skylark: I have AIDS and I can’t afford prescriptions. I need to eat, otherwise I lose weight.
Rocket: I wish I had your problem.
Skylark: That’s horribly insensitive.
Rocket: Anyway, was it just me, or was that Nails dude a little bit too obsessed with Ptasie Mleczko, and his ex-girlfriend.
Skylark: Well Magda represented a sense of stability for him, and being dumped by her pushed him over the edge of the precipice he was leaning over.
Rocket: Ptasie Mleczko are totally nasty. Wisnie on the other hand, are the bomb. They’re even kind of healthy because if you eat a whole box of them you’ll get your serving of fruits for the day.
Skylark: I would hardly call chocolate-covered cherries drowned in liquor, a health food.
Rocket: They’re healthier than plain liquor.
Skylark: Point. But I digress, I think what you are missing about Polish-Russian War under a White and Red Banner is the fact, that it is such a brilliantly captured slice of life, served upon a plateful of honesty pie and…
Rocket: Enough of this tarradiddle.
Skylark: Do you even know tarradiddle means? Because if you do, I find it offensive that you should say such a thing.
Rocket: You and I know very well that this book made no sense at all, and you’re just trying to look all smart because you don’t know how to read.
Skylark: I don’t need to read — that’s what you and audiobooks are for.
Rocket: I’m smarter than you because I know how to read and my opinion as a woman matters more than yours as a queer. Unlike Nails, when you look in the mirror you see all of the signs of faggotude and stupiditry.
Skylark: Stupidtry, eh? Well, on that droll note, we finish today’s review of Polish-Russian War under a White and Red Banner by Dorota Maslowska. Thank you for reading.

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The Literate Illiterate Review #3

December 27th, 2009 | by Vanesa Littlecrow W.
Posted In: Uncategorized

Rocket: Look at what I stumbled upon on while reading Josie Nutter‘s LiveJournal.
Skylark: Josie Nutter?
Rocket: Yeah, that one model who does all the videogame stuff. She’s cool as all hell.
Skylark: Nutter is her real name?
Rocket: Like Zebedeuza Skyler for a first name is all that much better.
Skylark: Fuck. You.
Rocket: Check out this entry of hers.
Skylark: Read it for me please.
Rocket: (Reads the entry aloud until she gets to, “There’s a market for this?! Whole videos of nothing but cats licking their balls?! Damn.”)
Skylark: Whoa, wait a second… whole videos of cats licking their balls?
Rocket: That’s right.
Skylark: Uff! I am disgusted. Why would anyone create videos of cats licking their balls.
Rocket: I am not entirely certain because I can’t read whatever the heck this Asian language is. But, it looks like Soft On Nyanko makes softcore kitty porn videos.
Skylark: I hope this baffling site is just an isolated incident.
Rocket: You wish. Apparently kitty porn is a widespread thing. About.com has an entire section about it with video. You can even get the t-shirt.
Skylark: Lovely.
Rocket: Kitty porn must be stopped.
Skylark: EEEEEE! Kawaii! Let me see that website. Awwww! Puddy tat baby fooz! Look at all the cute little kittens. I can read numbers and circles well enough to know this is a rating site.
Rocket: Yes it is.
Skylark: I want to rate the pudding! That one’s so foofy and tabby, she gets a ten. Neeee!
Rocket: Oh my gawd.
Skylark: Look at the little black baby with the limey greenie eyesies. Oh booboo! He gets a ten.
Rocket: It appears that Skylark really gets pleasure out of looking at pictures of naked kitties.
Skylark: Boo doo boo doo spotted-belly lovey goo goo! Kitty get another ten. Awww…
Rocket: Kitty porn, you never know who’s looking at it. It could be your friend, your family member, even your significant other.
Skylark: Rocky, look at this fluffy cotton ball baby with bluesy blue eyes. It looks like a villain kitty.
Rocket: Oh my gawd, that one is SO cute!

This column has been suspended until the next installment due to massive cuteness poisoning. To alleviate the symptoms of cuteness poisoning, gag at will.

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